You can barely walk down a Taiwan city street without stubbing your toe on the threshold of a ballistic theme eatery. From maid cafés to toilet-themed restaurants to medical facility-inspired snack stations, the people who call this Chinese region home simply can't shove enough quirk down their collective mouth.
Being a liberal island (compared to mainland China anyway), it was only a matter of time before the culinary combined with the carnal here. And lo, earlier this year Funny Sex, China's first rumpy pumpy-themed restaurant, opened in Khaosiung, the second-largest city in Taiwan. I popped in for lunch.
The entrance didn't give much of a clue about the place being a restaurant, although instant kudos was awarded for that y-front-style logo.
Inside, the decor wasn't exactly busy. I'd been expecting wangers hanging from the ceiling, sex swings instead of chairs, waitresses walking around wearing big, wobbling strap-ons and so on. Just before it filled up, the place looked more like a cosy north London boutique store than a sex restaurant.
A closer look revealed some signage that you wouldn't see at your average branch of Amelia's Frocks, though.
It was good to see that the only sort of spit-roasting permitted was the kind undertaken in the kitchen.
But what to eat? Whatever you plump for, it's almost guaranteed to be served in the shape of a cock or from a dish shaped like a big pair of tits.
Pretty much any vaguely malleable foodstuff available had been bunched into the shape of a cock'n'balls. There's cock-shaped rice…
…and cock-shaped chocolate pudding…
…and an erect ice cream dessert cock, complete with deftly sculpted vein ridges and dipping sauce.
But I went for a similar dish to the one this man was getting stuck into: seafood soup (served from tits, of course). The Standard hardly suggested that Funny Sex is going to get any Michelin stars soon, but most of the customers I met didn't exactly suggest that they were here on an AA Gill recommendation.
This guy certainly wasn't.
This is assistant manager Mrs. Chen, who explained that while Funny Sex might be doing a brisk trade now, it took a while to get off the ground. "At first there were customers who had no idea that we were a restaurant," she said. "Since our logo is a pair of big red underpants, many people thought that we were a shop selling sex toys or kinky clothes."
A consummate host, Mrs. Chen was happy to provide customers with a blow-up doll to hang out with while they ate—a particularly nice touch for lone diners such as myself.
The doll has been a fixture at Funny Sex since it opened in March, and has probably appeared in more Facebook pictures than that bus stop advert in Brazil that makes it look like Luis Suarez is biting you if you stand next to it.
Chen pointed out that the restaurant isn't just a place to muck around with sex dolls and eat genital-shaped treats in—it's educational, too. This sign helpfully outlines average penis size country by country. Congo is top of the love-length league, clocking in at 18cm, with Iceland second with 16.51cm. According to the sign, average wanger size in the US is 12.95cm, the UK's is 13.97, and China's is 10.92cm.
The sign might not help combat negative (or positive) stereotypes about biological variation between nationalities, but hey, being able to recite average dick sizes by country to two decimal points is a great conversation starter. "We want to make sex something fun," said Chen. "We want to present human genitals to our customers in a really fun way."
After finishing my meal it was time to freshen up in the bathroom, accessed by heading past this worrying submissive chained-up sex doll.
I was kind of getting sick of the sight of cocks by the time I reached for the soap dispenser.
And when I got to the merchandise section on the way out, I felt that I was just one cheap cowboy hat short of a hen party.
Although cock fatigue had well and truly set in by the time I left, I had enjoyed my visit to Funny Sex, which you can find at 446 Zhongshan Road in Lingya district.
Being a product of Taiwan's insatiable appetite for theme eateries, it's unlikely we'll see franchises of the place spring up on the other half of the world too soon. Until we do, you can always just bunch your rice up into a dick and balls at home and you'll be halfway there.