What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

Ah, the penis. That most comical and vulnerable of body parts. It was a bad year for all of us, but for the approximately 1.2 billionth year in a row since the emergence of sexual differentiation, it was a particularly rough year for groins. This selection of real, horrible injuries proves that Murphy's Law is centered on the crotch.

http://adequateman.deadspin.com/what-did-we-ge…

All patient descriptions taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits:

  • PLAYING BASKETBALL 2 WKS AGO, HIT IN LEFTT TESTICLE BY BALL; DOG ALSO JUMPED ON PATIENT MULTIPLE TIMES, SAME AREA
  • PT'S FIANCEE PUT HER ENGAGEMENT RING ON PT'S PENIS. RING STUCK
  • USING HAND GRASPER TO MASTURBATE & IT GOT STUCK @ THE BASE OF THE PENIS
  • STUCK A WIRE INTO PENIS AND CUT TIP OF PENIS OPEN W/SCISSORS TRYING TO REMOVE IT
  • WAS ACCIDENTALLY KICKED IN TESTICLE BY 70LB GRANDSON
  • INTOXICATED AGGRESSIVELY DANCING AGAINST A FEMALE PARTNER WHEN FELT A POP IN HIS PENIS
  • EATING BOWL CHILI THAT WAS BOILING HOT, SPILLED DOWN CHEST, ONTO GENITALS, DIDN'T REMOVE CHILI
  • RECIPIENT OF ORAL SEX BY FEMALE W/ LIP PIERCING. OPEN WOUND OF PENIS
  • FORESKIN OF PENIS GOT CAUGHT IN ZIPPER
  • ACCIDENTALLY ROLLING OUT OF BED & FALLING ON HIS ERECT PENIS. STATES IMMEDIATLEY FELT A POP & LOST ERECTION.
  • GOING IN HOUSE AFTER TAKING OFF BATHING SUIT, CLOSED DOOR ON PENIS INSTEAD OF OPENING DOOR, HE PULLED PENIS OUT
  • FELL DOWN THE STEPS OF HIS MOBILE HOME ONTO A STACK OF WOOD, CONTUSION PENIS
  • PLACED A BOTTLE OPENER ON PENIS THINKING IT WOULD FEEL GOOD BEEN THERE FOR A WEEK AND NOW IT IS NECROTIC
  • WAS SLEDDING WITH HIS NIECE AND WENT OVER A BUMP AND NIECE CAME DOWN ONTO PT'S TESTICLE
  • DRIVING A GO-CART LOST CONTROL HIT GENITAL AREA AGAINST STEERING WHEEL
  • PLAYING W FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS PUPPY MASTIFF JUMPED ON PT WHILE HE WAS STANDING & NIPPED/BIT HIS PENIS. WEARING THICK UNDERWEAR.
  • STATES HAS SPIDER BITE ON HIS PENIS WHICH HE ATTRIBUTES TO CLEANING HIS DECK IN HIS BOXERS.
  • WALKING ALONG THE RIM OF A DUMPSTER AND SLIPPED STRADDLED THE EDGE CONTUSION TO PENIS
  • SHOVELING SNOW AND HANDLE OF SHOVEL HIT HIM IN GENITALS
  • FIREWORKS PLACED IN GENITAL AREA UPSIDE DOWN EXPLODED ABRASION TESTICLE
  • GOT TIP OF PENIS CAUGHT IN A HARD SUNGLASS CASE
  • PATIENT FELL OFF MONKEY BARS AT SCHOOL HE HIT HIS GENITALS THEN LANDED ON HIS HEAD ON GROUND
  • TRIPPED OVER UNTIED SHOE LACES WHILE RUNNING, FELL ON CONCRETE HURTING PENIS
  • PENIS INJURY MALE WAS MOWING HIS LAWN WHEN AN UNSPECIFIED OBJECT FLEW UP FROM UNDERNEATH THE MOWER CUTTING HIM.
  • ACCIDENTALLY STRUCK BY BROKEN DRILL BIT TO TESTICLES
  • PENILE PAIN SINCE AWAKING WITH ERECTION 3 DAYS AGO AND TRYING TO PUSH PENIS DOWN TO FIT IN UNDERWEAR